Memo to self: will stop posting depressive thoughts. Only shiny happy posts from now on. Reminds me of why I stopped having a diary, I was beginning to get on my own nerves.

Is this turning into some kind of diary? I hate online diaries that you happen upon while searching for something or other. People you don't know writing about their lives where nothing ever happens ("I went to the library today...and guess what...I met Bob there. Then I went home."). But then again, how is a person supposed to conjure up deep meaningful insights into life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness all the time?

I just want to note again how life is not fair, which is probably the fact that parents most omit to tell their children. We grow up on movies and television and books and stories that tell you that everything will work out fine...that in the end the good guy wins...that they lived happily ever after. Thus, you can lead a happy childhood. Until that moment you get the nagging thought that maybe..just maybe everything will not work out peachy fine. Which it probably won't. There ARE studies that say people who have a pessimistic outlook on life are just more realistic...we do not like to be surprised by the ass-kickings we get.

Did you see the movie "Truman Show"? Have you ever thought your life might just be a TV show? Big emotional cliff-hangers with no happy ending to raise ratings...If the main character rides off into the sunset with a happy grin on his/her face, the show will be cancelled and we can't allow that.

One of my classmates in high school claimed he was convinced his father was king of the world and wanted him to grow up as normal as possible, thus creating this elaborate setup which would be revealed to him on his 21st birthday. I guess it wasn't, I met him at our reunion this year. He was a sad sight, pretty bloated from all the drugs and booze he apparently was ingesting. But I digress.

While writing this, I wonder whether (look at all those alliterations) I included him in my "guys I fell in love with"-list. It is rather strange, the way you are head over heels in love with one person (doodling their name and hearts on pretty much everything) and how you then forget to include them in a list a decade later.

I was so in love with the guy..but he said he would not go out with me cause I had a mouth like a frog. Years later I met him on the street and the following replicates the ensuing external and internal dialogue:

Me: "Hi." "Ohmigod he lost all his hair, grew fat and is wearing a crappy suit"

He: "Oh, you're really good-looking...ahem, I mean hi"

Me: "I have to go now." "You could have had all this goodness but you chose not to, sucker and now I've put you behind me for good."

While you are making up your mind to think me shallow and vain, consider the fact that I had been crying in my pillow nonstop during puberty, wishing I was prettier so he would pick me instead of the girl he fancied (who would not even in his dreams go out with him, by the way). So there.

Say, this story really cheered me up...Maybe life IS fair, after all...

I am feeling rather depressed today. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep but I have been feeling out of sorts for a couple of days now for reasons better left obscure. You can always tell that kind of mood by the fact that I am wearing my little mope-outfit consisting of a hooded sweater where I can peer out moodily from underneath the hood if I care to. Which I do a lot when moping. Not a pretty picture but hey, who cares.

Also, I am turning invisible, I think. Not only did a cashier not serve me at a register the other day, but she was actually calling another customer toward that same register and only noticed me when I was waving at her. Mind you, I was standing right IN FRONT of her. Plus, today the cops ignored me when I was riding my bike (lacking all required lights) past them across the zebracrossing onto the sidewalk on the wrong side of the street. What did they care. They were stopping cyclists with bikes lacking required lights. I, on the other hand, was only invisible. Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe I am supposed to be dead. I was supposed to die in ´97 but somehow cheated death... Now everybody thinks that I am dead which I am not and is really irritated by the fact that I am still walking and breathing and thus ignores me. The event horizon of fate is finally catching up. If you did not get that, you might want to read this novel (hey, it's on sale in the UK!!) which explains the concept in greater detail.

But maybe it's only the depression talking. Or the fact that I am depressed leads to me having the subconscious wish to be invisible which then in turn becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ah, the wonders of a psychology major...

I will go now and read more stuff about reality TV shows, starring the only people with less point in their life than me. Sleep is for wussies.

My roommate's birthday today/yesterday...quite uneventful, though.

One thing I have been musing about while NOT sleeping: Some people believe you can order things from the universe (here for example) but my question is: Can you lodge a complaint with the universe and will anybody listen? I think not. If so, please get me their number ASAP because I am starting to be fed up with the crap around here. Maybe they read blogs:

Hey, listen up! Yes, you, universal complaint-taker: Fucking bloody hell! You know what I mean???

Just needed to get that off my chest. Tank you berry much. (my best Andy Kaufman voice in case you had not noticed)

That boy is our last hope...no...there is another....

Jetlag, schmetlag. I hate it. In general, I start feeling like in a coma around one p.m. but then lie awake in bed till seven in the morning. I wish I was one of those people who can go to sleep at the drop of a hat. But I can't. So I guess I am doomed to a half-life of looking like death itself and sleepwalking through the day for at least another week.

In addition, the relaxed feeling I had after our cruise is already starting to wear off when I think of everything that I'll have to do in the coming months. Well, nobody seems to have fun these days, everybody has no job or is stressed out, so why should it be different for me, I guess... Sucks anyway.

On a sidenote...I've been seeing all these : crop up lately. Do they mean anything or are they just supposed to look cool? If so, I could add some on this ::blog::..hey, I'm hip, too!!!!

On a second sidenote...(which I wanted to tell you earlier, but forgot). We saw Secretary which was the most romantic movie I've seen in quite some time. If you read the description, you might wonder about that, but it actually was!!! Strange but true!!! (Well, actually, if you are one of those people who decided to save yourself for your wedding night it might not be quite the film for you, but otherwise go see it!!!)