I feel like Cat Stevens. Not only do my days suck, my Saturday nights are not what they're supposed to be. And I was looking forward so much to this weekend as I had planned to go out and have fun. Gah. Fun, Schmun.

Well, actually, it's the call I received yesterday that said my paper's no good and I have to write the whole thing over again that kind of slightly depressed me. But after crying most of the day I passed over the line into insanity and now I am feeling ... actually nothing really.

Here's a walking man/woman for you.

And here's what I do all day now the writer's block is back full force.

Cheerio.

Fucking hell. Somebody please shoot me before I have to do it myself.

As you probably know I have this tracking feature so I can see if people are actually reading my blog. Makes me feel I am doing this for a reason... Anyway, since my old tracking thing doesn't work properly anymore I checked out a new tracker. That one's not for free, but I am on a free trial period. Yesterday I got an e-mail from them: They congratulated me on my blog and MENTIONED STUFF I had written. Sceptic me thinks: They must have some kind of software that goes through the blogs and integrates sentences from there into the marketing e-mails. But no! Today, when I check my stats, I can see that somebody from opentracker.net has actualla accessed my site. That's some customer service! (Either that or I am their only customer which they intend to make a paying one :)

Am really nervous today because I got an e-mail from my tutor asking me what my timeframe concerning my paper was. Now I had thought I had made it clear I wanted to turn the damn thing in by the end of September. Actually, some comments they made a week ago had made me doubt my tutors knew my intention, but now I am sure they don't...This wouldn't worry me so much if for two reasons:

a) I still need to register the paper. They kept saying: Don't do it now - but I didn't know they were thinking I'd take much longer - so maybe it's too late now to register it. My professor who needs to sign the registration form is on holiday anyway. Yikes.

b) One of them will also grade the paper. Meaning if I tell them: "I don't care what you say - I'll just turn it in and hope for the best", I'll probably get bad grades. Maybe she'll even fail me. And she's really close to my professor who also will grade the paper. So if she discusses my failings with him, there's no way he'll let me pass.

I wrote them an e-mail explaining I want to turn it in basically NOW and am awaiting the results. From time to time I am opening my inbox, all the while nervously chewing my nails. So much for the mon-world turning to normal. I don't even know how to SPELL norml anymore :)

Must relax tonight. My plans are: I am going swimming and then I'll be free and easy at the Backstage, if anyone wants to come.

I wanted to go to sleep but instead I watched the rest of the football match Dortmund vs. Brügge that I had plainly forgotten. (Champions League Qualification). Didn't really bother me, as I had watched a couple of awful Dortmund Champions League games this year- I think it was against Everton where Dortmund could have stayed home as well - would have been less embarrassing. This game however - at least the part I watched - Dortmund played really well. I mean when it was the second 15 minutes of the extension they still played football that was fun to watch and that's saying something.

And then Brügge's defender De Cock (!!! 'nuff said) ostensibly shoves the ball out of the penalty zone with his hand. In front of the ref, no less. Nothing happens!!!!!!!! No penalty!!!! This can't be true!!!! I get all excited and jump up and down in my bed. They were robbed!!!! Then there's a foul against Amoroso and at least one of the Brügge guys is sent off. But only 10 mins left to play. My heart is racing. Dortmund is pressing on the goal. Ewerthon is trying really hard, the poor little guy. Rosicky seems exhausted. Young people today! (Benni Lauth's stamina usually tapers out around the 72nd minute or so, but I digress). Nothing works, though.

End of extension. Game will be settled by penalties. I hate that. It gets me really riled up and the team I want to win usually loses. Dortmund has a fairly new keeper. He looks nervous. Great. What do the referees decide? Shoot at the goal in the Belgian curve. Yeah right. That does it. Who is this referee working for??? My adrenaline hits the roof. I curse somewhat.

First penalty - the Belgian goalie guesses it right and saves. Nervous Dortmund goalie doesn't even go in the general direction of the ball. 1:0 for Brügge. I am eating my blanket by now. Hiding my head doesn't do any good, either. Dortmund's Norwegian guy kicks the ball like a first-grader. Easy save for the cool-as-a-cucumber keeper. Brügge scores again. The next two Dortmund penalties go in, but it's too late - Brügge wins while the Dortmund goalie doesn't even move anymore. Angry resignation on my part. However, got so much adrenaline in my blood I can't go to sleep now. Grrrr.

Am watching the post-match trainer interview. Johannes B. Kerner is looking like a roast chicken (sorry Alex, but he does), inching closer and closer to Matthias Sammer while touching him all the time. I would have inserted my orange ZDF microphone into one of his nostrils while yelling "YOU'RE INTRUDING INTO MY PERSONAL ZONE!! BACK OFF, BUCKO!!!" (I actually did yell that, anyway - substitute HIS for MY here). Now my adrenaline is sky high and I can't sleep, so I turn the computer back on. There you have it.

It's not as much fun watching an exciting game all by yourself, though. Shouted at the TV a couple of times (well, fairly often, to be honest :) but that doesn't carry the same resonance somehow. Well, at least it's better than watching a Champions League final penalty shootout with people who care nothing about football but still want Bayern to win. And then Bayern wins. I still shudder at the thought.

Other than that: It's my "namenstag" today. That means the saint I am named after is being celebrated today by my parents and other really traditional catholic people. Usually, I am really surprised when my parents come and congratulate me. They give me presents, too, so that's a good thing.

Sent my paper to my tutor today - now I am afraid to open my e-mail account. I don't want to find her e-mail that asks: "Is that a joke?" I still need to work on it some more, but at least I sent it away.

Funny words for funny punctuation. Educate yourself here:

Ampersand

Interrobang

Here's why everything's called what it's called (purely educational, no fun whatsoever).

Didya know the world was supposed to end today? Check out Prophet Elijah Tishbite's website. But be forewarned: It will burn your eyes like the non-believers will burn in Hell. It never answered my question whether Prince Charles was the Antichrist, though.

Before I go to bed, a couple of funny links:

Oh, my, time does fly in the IT business.

It's Britney, dammit! If you can't spell it, you can't see her breasteses!

What are these kids up to? If I ever find out, I'll tell ya.

Finito

I have finished. Yes, you've read correctly. Ended, done with, stopped, completed. My paper, that is. Well, don't break out the confetti just yet, because I now have to send it to my tutor to get feedback before I turn it in and I have the feeling that it's really bad. Bad, bad, bad. Bad to the bone. Rotten to the core. It stinks. But nevermind, at least it's 48 pages of crap. Crap and huge graphics :) 4 cm margin, too (hey, I looked, it's them rules of the APA which I actually DO have to obey). No matter what my tutor says I'll just overhaul the gravest errors and then turn it in. Yay.

Then again, I printed it out today (of course my printer isn't working and my roommate's printer has no black ink left) and then I read it nicely done in blue and at least it didn't seem like it wouldn't get a passing grade. That's the important point.

What else?

Been watching the Athletics World Cup (or whatever it's called) and felt sorry for the people who have been training and training and training and then messed up on race day for one reason or another. Or - like that Austrian girl who accidently stepped into a piece of glass - didn't even make it to race day. It's one thing when you compete and come in fourth. It's quite another thing when you step up to the plate, slip and lose your hammer. Or get disqualified because somebody else made a false start and you flinched. Sad, really.

My football team, on the other hand, won their game today. I am undecided whether this is a good thing as it was really worse than the opposing team (my brother's, by the way) and payback on Saturday will be terrible (Instant Karma, I reckon). And Saturday is what counts. I guess I'll just have to ignore them one more time. Or buy a decent forward. Then again, my last buy scored twice, so maybe he was a good investment.

Did some online shopping. Bought
1. a scratching post for the cats
2. jogging pants
3. a peppermill
at Tchibo's
4. an undisclosed amount of books (worth the GNP of a small country) at Amazon.
Am thinking of driving to IKEA in the near future. Try dissuading me, please. Please. My account will thank you.

I am feeling slightly out of sorts today - I am guessing it's because of lack of sleep. It's amazing how you miss sleep if you do lots of physical training. Usually I have no trouble going on with two hours of sleep at night - I've done so occasionally for the last couple of months. But as soon as you're supposed to do something sports-like, the lack of sleep manifests itself in extreme tiredness. It's worst when I do my long runs on weekends. If I haven't slept well before there's no chance in hell I'll finish a long run. It's a weird feeling - my pulse is low, I am not really tired and could go on, but my body just refuses to continue and I feel like a steamroller squashed me, just really exhausted.

This exhausted feeling is really strange, too - in no way can I rest or sleep while totally exhausted. This week I'll have to cut back on my training (I am actually supposed to, so I guess that happens to everybody at this time) to gather some new energy to continue next week.

I really hope my insomnia is due to my paper and once I turn it in it'll abate somewhat. Also I'd really like the nightmares to stop. Maybe those about the paper? I'm so tense I have nightmares about everything now. Sometimes it's real nightmares like people pointing at me and laughing because I can't find something important. Sometimes it's one of those obsessive-compulsive dreams where I'm doing the same thing over and over and over again. Mostly things I've done the day before. Like trying to calculate things where I can't find the right answer. Or trying to find the right words for the paper. Or trying to assemble my football players differently (it's become so bad I had to stop visiting the hattrick.org page for a while and was thinking about abandoning the game altogether). Or writing the same e-mail over and over again. It's driving me crazy and does not contribute to alleviating my exhaustion.

If you've got half an hour, you might want to dedicate it to Edmund Blackadder.

I can't get no sleep - dee dum dum dum (Faithless playing in my head)

Deep in the bosom of the gentle night
Is when I search for the light
Pick up my pen and start to write
I struggle, I fight dark forces in the clear moonlight
Without fear
Insomnia
I can't get no sleep
I used to worry
Thought I was going mad in a hurry
Getting stressed, making excess mess in darkness
No electricity, something's all over me, greasy
Insomnia please release me
And let me dream of making mad love to my girl on the heath
Tearing off tights with my teeth
But there's no release, no peace
I toss and turn without cease
Like a curse, open my eyes and rise like yeast
At least a couple of weeks since I last slept, kept taking sleepers
But now I keep myself pepped
Deeper still, that night
I write by candlelight, I find insight
Fundamental movement, huh, so when it's black
This insomniac, take an original tack
Keep the beast in my nature
Under ceaseless attack
I gets no sleep
I can't get no sleep
I can't get no sleep
I can't get no sleep
I need to sleep, I can't get no sleep
I need to sleep, I can't get no sleep

I always liked the "rise like yeast" part. Not a very accurate metaphor - I don't really expand like yeast dough when I can't sleep. Still, it evokes some kind of gooey uncomfortable image in my head. Sort of how I'm feeling now.

Why is it that when you're searching for lyrics you always get THOUSANDS OF POPUPS? Are people who search for lyrics more prone to sign up for stuff? Does the reasoning go: You're too stupid to remember the lyrics to Insomnia, so you will happily install any program that asks you to? Yes, I want to install "1-900-COSTS-A-LOT.exe" rightaway.

In that vein: Somebody once asked me this rhetorical question that I now want to share with you: Why is it that you can check: "Install all programs of this company, I trust it", but not "Never ask me again whether I want to install Gator cause I sure as hell don't"? So true. I just now had to fend off about a gazillion Gator popup windows. I bet it's installed itself nevertheless and I need to run my trusty AdAware again. Sigh.

Oh well, I've got time. Not like there's much to do at 4:11 am. I once read in one of those women's magazines that you should use insomnia to do things you should have done a long time ago. Like organize your closet. Or go shopping for groceries. I actually liked to get my grocery shopping done at night and I certainly do it now if I could. But I can't.