Last week was just terrible for me. I have a really bad case of writer's block at the moment. Or better call it a total block. I can't do anything but stare at the wall all day, I can't get myself to do anything. My taxes are still non-existent, my paper is not progressing at all, my room looks a total mess but I'm not lifting a finger to change anything and it really bugs me. I feel frozen to a spot at the moment.

And yesterday, when I finally got something to move and managed to go to University to enroll for the final exam I was told the deadline for that had expired last week. While scenarios of another semester threatened my sanity, everything seemed to collapse onto my head. I was really upset and basically hyperventilating all day long. I also feel really stupid because it's just a matter of picking myself up, but I can't get myself to do it. Bah!!!!

Today has been a little bit better than last week, though. I went to the administrations office and pleaded with the lady to let me enroll and she did. Even if she yelled at me. Now I only have the problem that I told her my final paper would be finished soon but I haven't even gotten the permission slip from my professor. And the problem that I can't find my Gymnasium diploma. Which I need to enroll. I have a gazillion copies but the original seems to have vanished. Aaaaaaah!!! I wouldn't rule out the possibility I copied it and left it on the photocopier. Then again, maybe it's buried under a load of paper in my mess of a room. Sigh.

I sincerely hope I'll be able to muddle through all of this. I feel bleak. The future feels bleak. And the bleakest thing is that from an outside point of view I guess it's not bleak at all, which makes me really feel inadequate. I seem not to be able to cope with life at even a basal level where everybody else has no problems. Sometimes I wish I was an ostrich and I could stick my head in the sand never to emerge again. Then again, I think it's an urban legend that ostriches do that. I really hate university and wish it was finished. I envy people who just work and then go home in the evening and don't have dark clouds of "exams and papers that need to be finished" hanging over their head. I just never seem to be able to relax. That's probably an urban legend as well as at work there's deadlines and things to consider - long hours etc., but I always liked to work. More or less. Take it with a grain of salt, that kind of thing, but mostly I did, really.

University on the other hand is just not my cup of tea. I detest studying and writing stuff, I always did. Especially libraries. Can't stand library research. Hate attending courses, too (half of the time I didn't go and the rest of the time I never said anything). Don't like most of my fellow students either. I get hives when entering the ugly-ass university building. My nose clogs up when assaulted with the rancid smell of well-trodden university carpets. And don't get me started on the food served in the cafeteria. I honestly don't think there's one thing I ever liked about university, apart from that I can leave it at one point or another. But now I am at a point where it makes me physically sick to think about it. I was at that point once in my life. Then I tore up my books, threw them in a corner, dropped everything and went to America. Now, I hope I'll be able to pull myself together until the damn thing's finished.

Enough now. What else? Remember the Diplomacy game? I'm Italy. Meaning cannon fodder for the rest of Europe. I consider it a challenge.

Second challenge: Remembering the day I am supposed to run the half-marathon. Sunday. It's Sunday. That would have been a hoot if I had gotten up to appear at the Marienplatz at 8 a.m. on Saturday. Luckily, Jule pointed out the error of my ways. If you'd like, I propose to go have breakfast after my run (regardless of whether somebody carries me over the finish line or if I'm able to walk myself). So if you want to celebrate - whatever - with me, I'm thinking I'll take about 2 1/2 to 3 hours, thus you can meet me at the finish line around 10.30 - 11.00 a.m. Of course, you can stand alongside the course and cheer, but I think I won't be a pretty sight limping along with a face that looks like a lobster. A determined lobster, maybe, but after some time, maybe not even that. Anyway, Sunday = Breakfast Day. I'll remind you when the time comes, but I thought I'd mention it now so you can all make plans.