Thursday, October 30, 2003

Dear students. Today we're going to learn about the important lessons that life (and Cosmopolitan) teach us. We're going to study the

10 Signs He's "THE ONE"

1. He looks at Pamela Andreson centrefolds and insists he doesn't know what the big deal is.
Great. I don't think I've ever met a guy who a) really liked Pamela Anderson (compared to, say Cameron Diaz) or b) would admit it. So I guess pretty much everybody qualifies. Yay for us.

2. He spends the weekend with your family and still wants to date you.
Are you saying there's a problem with my family? Are you talking to me? Do you feel lucky, punk?

3. Instead of a Sunday kick about, he offers to spend the day in bed, painting your toenails and giving you back rubs.
Hm. Sounds to me like "THE ONE" is gay. I mean who could derive any joy from painting toenails. Even if it's your girlfriend, come on. I'd sneer at a man who'd do that. That, and I don't particularly like back rubs. Spending the day in bed, why not, but why should he do it if he doesn't want to. Stupid rule, that #3.

4. He doesn't fall asleep immediately after sex.
Well, that's good. That way he can watch *me* sleep and pick his nose or something. I'm not going to stay awake, so Mr "PansyboystaysinbedonSundays" has something to cuddle. Nosirree.

5. He lets you use his toothbrush when you crash at his place.
Ewwwwww. Well, I'm going to use it anyway, but "lets you use his toothbrush"? What kind of a rule is that?

6. He leaves you cute, little loving messages every day at work and has done for the past two years.
a) Embarrassing
b) Annoying
c) Stalker?
d) All of the above

7. Even after seeing you covered in a mud mask and stuffing your face with ice cream he still looks at you the same way he did the moment he first saw you.
Are you kidding me? Do you know how *cute* I look wearing a mud mask? And he's probably stuffing his face with ice cream, too, so who's he to talk??

8. When you argue with him, he never chalks it up to your PMS.
That's actually a good thing.

9. He brings you daisies just because it's Tuesday.
This rule sets up totally unrealistic expectations because NO MAN will ever bring you flowers for no reasons EXCEPT when threatened at gunpoint. Maybe, but only maybe you might change the rule to ...just because it's your birthday... but don't count on it. Flowers and men just don't mix. Honestly. If you believe in that rule, "THE ONE" will be forever beyond your grasp. THEY JUST DON'T DO IT. Don't nag them. It's not in their genes. Cosmopolitan has aggravated many a relationship with rules like these.

10. He insists on waking up at 5am to take you to the airport.
Doubtful, and I'm not sure I'd expect it. Nice, of course

Honestly, who thinks of stupid things like these. And are there women who believe in them?? Who reads Cosmopolitan other than to point out ridiculous things and laugh?? There must be some people. Dear me.

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