No pix today - I was on a business trip and though I took the camera to try it out, I doubt you'd want to see pictures out of a train window or the 3 second video of a train moving in the direction of Stuttgart. Yes, Marco, it was the same train. No, I did not see you.

Anyway, just returned from seeing Lord of the Rings and wanted to share my moviegoing experience with you. First of all, this was not a planned event. I knew my friends were going, but I did not know when I'd return from said business trip so they did not get me a ticket. Hence, I had to go and purchase my own - with the result I had to sit on the balcony all by myself. Never mind, balcony seats have at least a decent view and a "real" seat is preferrable to those "fold-me-down-and-get-cramps-in-your-butt" seats.

So after scarfing down a quick pizza half and a couple of heres and theres and whatnots (a Wunderbar, actually) I feel kind of queasy, rather tired and still somewhat cranky. I arrive at the cinema where C.'s friend "M." has brought his new girlfriend from Australia. Girlfriend is perky and speckled, C. is somewhat drunk. "M." gets on my nerves. He usually does but if you're tired it's particularly grating.

So I go upstairs to my comfy little seat. But alas, there's two Italian guys sitting next to me. Actually, one is leaning over my seat and fiddling with his mobile phone. I sit down. He doesn't care. I move my elbow on the armrest. He looks at me angrily. Hey, my elbow has as much right to the armrest as yours, idiot.

The movie starts. Of course, the Italian Idiot starts yabbering to his friend. Loudly. As Italians are wont to. Don't know whether his friend needs instant translation or whether they're just elated to recognize the ring. I don't care and hit him on the arm, yelling: "PLEASE STOP TALKING". I'm fed up with people talking through Lord of the Rings movies. Better nip things like that in the bud. Angry looks again. Then peace and quiet for some time. Until he starts fiddling with his big-ass mobile phone. It has a huge colour display that lights up like a thousand christmas lights. Since nobody has sent him a text message (who would??), he turns it off again and crumples a paper bag. Scrunch, scrunch.

As soon as he stops, his friend decides it's getting to warm inside the movie theater and takes off all the clothes he wears. At least it seems like all clothes because it takes FOREVER. After that, I'm able to enjoy the film for some time. Until his friend decides it's now getting kind of cold and starts putting all his clothes back on again. While the Idiot crumples his bag. Scrunch, scrunch. Sigh. At least this was only in intervals so I got to see most of the movie in peace. Until the end when I keep missing parts of the film, when people get up to go to the bathroom and block my view or in one case even the projector. Then there's a couple of tear-jerking scenes near the end. I cry. A fat guy leaves and squeezes past me. I'm distracted and stop crying. Next scene: I start crying again, the Italian guys say: "Why does this movie take so long???" Double sigh. Is it that Lord of the Rings moviegoing public is extra stupid or is it a curse?????

Anyway. Before I say anything about the movie let me preface it with: The movie's cool. (Especially the Oliphants! Oliphants rule. And Sam. I like Sam.) Legolas is good-looking as ever (swashbuckle for me, Orlando) and Aragorn's as ruggedly handsome as one can get.
So anything I say is meant as loving as it gets.

Don't read it if you don't want to be spoiled.






Those Arts-and-Crafts-Orcs! They must have been really busy carving all those big fancy weapony-thingummys out of wood.

You're the Rohirrim. You've decided to help out those hard-to-reach neighbors in Gondor cause they lit about 200 beacons to get to you. Rousing speech ensues, you lift your swords, scream and ride thunderously into the sunset. Glorious start. You feel elated and ready for battle. 8 hours later. You're rather saddlesore and your elation's somewhat evaporated by now. Repeat and rinse. About 200 times. Rousing speeches each time you pass a beacon and so forth. I think about the 50th beacon would have me disappearing into a totally different direction. (Especially since our commander vanished without saying whereto and the King said: "Well, it's a hopeless case anyway.")

You're Sauron. You've built a big-ass gate to keep those pesky enemies out of Mordor. Suddenly, 50 people are in front of it and yell: "Hey, open up, we want to fight." Just imagine Aragorn's face if YOU KEEP THE FRIGGING GATE SHUT. What's he going to do? Pound his tiny fist in anger at the door? Didn't see any battering rams or things like that. That would have been funny, though.

So far I haven't objected to anything Mr Jackson changed. Elves at Helm's Deep? Fine with me. Arwen saves Frodo? Anything that has more Liv Tyler can't be that bad. But I object to the ending. The ending was what made Lord of the Rings special. In all other book you had a hero who saves the day, gets celebrated, end of story. Here, you had the hero NOT saving the day. Everybody just sort of tries to go home - but home doesn't exist anymore because the war hasn't just miraculously stopped in front of your doorstep. Because it doesn't. And life sucks and isn't fair: You don't get any bonus points for your trouble with the stupid bauble, but you feel sick and tired all your life. That's the way it goes.

And I'm going to bed now. Good night.