Today I dreamt that I was shot in my leg and bled to death. Not a good start for the day. I am amazed at my inner clock, though, I woke up 15 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off. And that at 7 a.m.! I had to get up that early because the IKEA people came and brought my new closet. Poor, poor delivery guys...they didn't even have one of those little carts, they carried the whole thing into my room on their backs. Like donkeys. Well, not quite like donkeys, they weren't walking on all fours, but you get the picture.

Once I'm up I have to stay up because I never manage to go back to sleep :( , so I decided to blog. I did for a lengthy amount of time but then decided that what I blogged was too personal to share, so I saved it onto my laptop and deleted the post. Maybe I'll tell you some other time. But then again, maybe not. Some things are better left unsaid, it was more of a cathartic exercise anyway.

Yesterday I was in one of those weird moods..I don't know what they are. They just prompt me to contradict everything in the worst possible way. I hate it when that happens. I'll go into full self-pity mode and state all kinds of "terrible" things about myself while being cranky and irritable. And the damn thing is I notice it happening but can't stop it. Kind of like a train wreck. You know it's horrible but you look anyway. I guess yesterday it stemmed from lack of sleep and my illness...maybe I had a fever (I do now, at least). But I've had those moods occasionally, usually they are triggered when I am frustrated in some way. No, frustrated is not the right word...dammit, where's my dictionary when you need it :) Thwarted? Stupid word anyway... Parried? What I mean is that somebody says something, and they are right on one hand but I don't want to admit to it, and they are wrong on some accounts but I can't find the words to express myself properly because I am too peeved about the first part (which is them being right in case you lost track of that sentence). Frustration is probably the right word for it. And since I can't express what I mean I start venting. On myself. Kind of stupid really. I don't know what that could achieve. Probably it's because I'd like the other person to disagree with me as a sort of positive feedback. "I am stupid." "No, you're not." ("Yay!")

(It also happens when I am really angry. Then I'll say insulting things about the other person. Good thing I rarely get that angry. .. Worst is when angry and frustrated mix. Then I am really out of my mind (I quite literally snap out of it and hear myself saying things I don't want to which is scary). I can be really cold and heartless when it comes to that.)

So what I am really trying to say is this: yes, I am pretty cynical, but really not that negative and cynical as I make myself out to be sometimes. I'm just confrontational. Does that make sense? Maybe, maybe not. Don't forget, I still have a fever :)