An Idiot Girl Votes

I need to vote - I have everything right here, since I'm registered at my parents' (and my ex) hometown and am voting by letter. But I have no idea who to vote for. No problem, I thought. After all, this is the information age. I'll look on the net. But alas! FFB doesn't seem to have entered the information age yet. Nothing really about the candidates or anything. Sigh. I guess it'll be a blind vote then. Green, I guess, as they have the same chance of winning as Marilyn Manson if he becomes a candidate to be the next Pope. Il Papa Marilyn. Then I won't mess anything up and at the same time satisfied my inner rebel against black encrusted structures in the FFB government. OK. Let's check out their webpage. Oy! It seems I was wrong. Most likely Green candidate to be voted in the Landtag. My, my.

So let's start. I open up the large envelope. Piles of paper fall out - what's all this? They're huge and threatening. No problem, I picked my choice of politician. A glance at my ballot paper, however, tells me I can't vote for Most Likely Candidate. I can vote for someone named Sepp who is a Biobauer. Not sure if I want to do that. At least the SPD candidate is a woman, and I tend to just vote for women no matter what. I am sexist in that way. Consider, consider, consider. Check box. (Secretly and personally.)

But why can't I vote for the Most Likely Candidate? Oh, OK. There's a Stimmkreis and a Wahlkreis. Ack! Now I'm totally confused. Apparently I have a vote each. The ballot paper for the Wahlkreis rivals the wrapping paper used by Christo to wrap the Reichstag. In size, I mean. Oh, I see I can vote for the person I read an article in the SZ about. Influenced by the media, that's me. No own political opinion. A victim of propaganda. If they'd sell candidates at the cash register in the super market, I'd own plenty. Checked.

Now there's the same in blue. What's this? Oh, it's the Bezirkstag. (Whatever that might be. Total blissful political ignorance, that's me.) Somebody on here states his job as "Portfoliomanager". Huh?? I'm not voting for people without a proper occupation, that's for sure. Check.

This time I'm prepared. *unfolds huge blue life-size paper* Should I vote for the Fundamentalist Christian Party to shake things up a bit? Nah. Out of solidarity with my friends I select a Free Journalist. Which reminds me of something and I unfold the white moloch again. Yep, the stupid girl that used to be studying with me is also a candidate again. Decide to check out her website. Whoa. Who does that design? Apparently she's in a Beagle Club. Haven't seen her around at University - the ballot paper gives her occupation as "student" though. Oh, well, not going to vote for her anyway. Boy, was she dumb. And that's coming from somebody who can't even read ballot papers properly.

What's next? Volksentscheid. Am I for or against the Konnexitätsprinzip. Hmmm. Research tells me: "He who orders, must pay for it." Sounds reasonable. I discuss with Jule, the resident political expert. She agrees. The other Volksentscheid deals with protecting children from abuse. Also sounds like a good idea. Checked and checked.

Now I just need to seal everything. I look at the instructions for putting the ballot papers in the right envelopes. Yikes! Seems you need to be at least a doctor to understand it. But if the ballot papers aren't in the right envelopes my vote's not valid! (It says here in red letters). Oh, OK. For people like me they did the colours. Thank you. White to white, blue to blue, yellow to yellow. Ahem. Suddenly it seems easy.

There we go. Just one envelope left over to be posted as soon as I decide to leave the house and presto! I am a politically active person.

Thank you, thank you, thank you *bows*

Exeunt